Jar of hearts.

I learnt to live half alive.

house or hotel?

The family is both the fundamental unit of society as well as the root of culture. It ... is a perpetual source of encouragement, advocacy, assurance, and emotional refueling that empowers a child to venture with confidence into the greater world and to become all that he can be.

MARIANNE E. NEIFERT, Dr. Mom's Parenting Guide


I've overheard, just overheard. You are gonna kick me out of the house. i know... its a sooner or later. Maybe im just a pest here. Maybe i should leave. Why and what am i waiting for? since everyone at home see me as a outsider. leaving early when i wake up and reaching home late is better for everyone right? You wont get to see this annoying face of mine. Just.. tell me to leave. i'll leave and i wont be back. Trust me. Went out with GuoHao today. Went to some DIY shop. Saw a lady doing up her very own family photo. Standing by one staring at their faces. Trying to pretend that was us inside. Heart hurt so much when i think of it, i start to think. If they are just being piss because of GuoHao coming here to stay and not paying, okay, i'll pay. i just wish for one tight hug from mum again. I got to stop crying, i look pathetic. If i cannot stand up for myself, who will. I feel like doing up a FamilyPhoto too. i just dont have the courage to go towards the printing shop to print the photos when nothing at home is right. Where's my courage? Where's the courage i used to have? im sick and tired of going home everyday looking at their :| face. i miss the period of time when everyone come home with a big :D i guess, i'll never get to see once of these again since they have consider to kick me out of the house. Just say, i'll go.

Family likeness has often a deep sadness in it.

GEORGE ELIOT, Adam Bede

2012.

I surrender, just kill me. here's what happen.
Mum: i think u have to stop that kind of relationship that have with guohao, as what i told u before, i can be very open minded but that doesnt mean that i can accept and agreed on the adnormal relationship that u r having..
Continues: u shd have better choice den just having him lor. anyway now u r still too young to go into any relationship. If u r having a normal relationship i will accept but not this kind of relationship. what i said yesterday i am serious about it, U better stop this kind of unhealthy relationship with him ur dad got to know about it.
Continues: i know that if i would to send a msg to him directly without letting you know, it will piss you off.. so i gave you the respect to inform and tell you to stop the relationship before i send any unpredictable msg to him.
Continues: so from today onwards, you have to reach home latest by 11.30pm not later den than and no excues and i do not want him to step into our house anymore. i mean it. you really disappoint me, you are such a good boy and dont understand how come you want to get involve into this kind of unhealthy relationship, you will only let people look down on you, its nothing proud of instead it very shameful behavior, so please stop it.
Me: i got no comments. nothing to say. whatever you want to say, just say. since everything you also want to say then i rather keep my mouth shut and just listen. seems like everything i do nowadays annoys you. and you have to comment on whatever i do, then so be it.
Mum: ok if you think it this way den from today onwards i wont talk to you anymore.
Continues: since now i think he is so important and if you are not happy staying with me, you can do whatever you want. but i do not want him to step into my house anymore.
Me: its the fact. you think la. whatever i do nowadays you all will comment, you're just being paranoid. i treat everyone the same. Everyone will have a friend who listens to them and give advice and it so happen that guohao is the one who listens to me and advice me, i got no comment or anything to say since you want to see and him having a abnormal relationship, so be it.i dont have much friends, so i hang out with him most of the time. like that also wrong.
Mum: up to you since this is what you think then i got no comments too. From this moment onwards, i wont say anything anymore.Just remember. 我家不欢迎他。thats simple. i dont want to give you anymore comments.
Me: just try standing in my shoe for once and see things from my view. you will understand. with N levels coming and not a lot of friends. you will understand why i need a friend like that. im not trying to be rude but i just want to say whats in my mind. ever since 2012. you totally feel like a different person.
Mum: i dont want to feed others people son for free... my own children already having such a bad life so i dont have the responsibility to feed others for free even he is closed to you.
Me: i get what you mean and therefore he wont come over. i just want you to stand in my shoes and see my world, nothing is going right.
Mum: i had given you whatever freedom you want.
Me: i dont want to say anymore since you are right. i dont want this to turn ugly. i'll keep my mouth shut alright.
Mum: if its still not right then theres nothing i can do. thats all i can do to protect my 3 baobei, i will keep my mouth shut as weel as i said i wont talk to you or give you anymore comments. and i will keep myself far away from you. i think this will be good you wont get piss off with me and i wont get piss off with you. whatever things you need please talk to your dad, i was my hands off from you.
End.
If thats what a mum should say. then so be it. im sorry, but i'll leave. Since my presence makes you piss off. what better to do than to jump down and die right? or shoot me in my head. burst my brain. im such a pain in the ass. Studies not good. Friendship not able to hold it well. Family not able to hold it well. what on earth am i good at? Crying? yes crying. Why am i crying? cause my heart hurts, game over, i'll never be the same. i surrender myself to deathdoor, deathlord, you may pick me up anytime.